Kiwi Radio

It's Friday night and today I picked up my new car, a Mitsubishi or Moulinex something or other. In fairness it's a very nice car as you can see from the picture which is, after all, why I bought it ! However, I can't help but think that it's made by a food mixer manufacturer rather than a car company. Somehow Mitsubishi just doesn't conjure up the same images as a Subaru Impreza or a Honda NSX. The most intriguing thing about the car is the radio. This car, as all of them here seem to be, has been imported from Japan. In fact it's so new to NZ, I had to personally go to the licencing centre today to register it and pick up some number plates. Anyway, I seem to have wandered off the point. The problem with the car radio is that it is in Japanese. Now I don't mean it says Sanyo on the front, I mean that all of the dials and buttons are in Japanese and I can't understand any of it. You see, Japanese was never one of my strongest subjects, there was never any call for it in Bebington ! After a random depression of several buttons suprisingly, and unexpectedly, brought it to life, I noticed that it covers a radio frequency range that is largely outside the broadcast frequencies of Kiwi radio stations...Or any other countries for that matter. I can receive a staggering total of 4 stations, 2 of which are talk radio stations, 1 is a hard rock music station and the only other, a hardcore hiphop station.

In fact, nothing that I can ever conceive that I'd want to listen to. Ever. And whilst I'm at it, and after travelling the World I can say this with a great deal of authority, but why, when a radio auto tunes does it always find the rubbish radio stations that you would never EVER want to listen to ? I remember in the UK, driving around unfamiliar areas -usually for work - and tuning the radio by pressing that button that seeks out the strongest signals. On every single occasion the slightest press of that button and the radio would, as if guided by a laser, go straight to Radio 3. Now I have nothing whatsoever against Radio 3. I'm sure it's a wonderful channel, staffed by cheery, happy, contented people who are highly trained professionals but I have never, and I mean never, come across anybody who listens to it or has ever listened to it. Yet even the mere thought of changing channel via that little search button and the radio jumps instantaneously to Radio 3. It doesn't stop there either, another deft press of the search button, it runs up the frequencies.... and Radio 3 ! Another deft press, Radio 3. Another press, Classic FM, another press, BBC local radio, another press, some welsh language channel, another press, Radio 3 ! Why can't radios, ever auto tune to popular music stations playing popular music ? How come those channels are bypassed by the search facility as if they're not even there ? Now I'm not a big fan of conspiracy theories but I'm convinced that a higher authority is at work here. There has to be ! Anyway, I needn't worry too much now as firstly, I can't possibly pick up Radio 3 in Auckland on a standard Japanese car radio. Can I ? Surely not ? Please for the love of God tell me I can't ! Secondly, I won't have that problem in the Moulinex given the almost non existent list of radio stations it's capable of picking up. I've got more chance of picking up the Coastguard, the Fire Service and local CB Radio enthusiasts than I have, Britney Spears !!



That was a very long introduction to come to the main topic of my post this evening, Kiwi radio. In the days when I could pick up kiwi radio in sufficient quantity to form an opinion, I was generally amazed as to the standard. It has a comedy value, seldom seen outside of sketch shows. Believe me Smashy & Nicey have nothing on these guys ! Take for example, yesterdays Drive Time "Traffic and Travel" report on one of Auckland's commercial FM stations and I quote this verbatim "Jeeez !!! It's all turned to custard out there" with that he made some reference to Barbra Streisand and played a record. You couldn't make it up ! Another DJ was teasing the listeners about some really big news that she was going to announce later if everybody stayed listening. I did, I could hardly contain myself. The tension was palpable and the news, following an impossibly big build up, lasting several hours.... "Tony Bennett is coming to Town". You could almost feel the collective disappointment all around Auckland. I'm sure Tony is a World Class entertainer with a huge fan base, probably with blue rinse in their hair and rather less teeth than the average hockey player, but I for one won't be rushing to put his dates in my diary. Another example of Kiwi radio that I heard this week, and this is repeated here almost word for word but I was laughing so much I nearly crashed the car so I may have missed a small bit of the dialogue " At 2:01 in Auckland Here's the news, Oh no ! Hang on, wrong button, how does this thing work ?.... the news is coming I promise, hang on. Do you want some weather instead ?? [Long pause of probably 20 seconds] That's got it, sorry about that, not sure what happened to the news there but don't worry there'll be another one along in an hour. Here's Will Young". Priceless !



The same guy yesterday had just run the daily competition where they trail a song to listen out for and to call in when they play it. This girl duly phoned in and won the money, $1,000 ( approx £330). Now radio DJ's always overplay any competition winnings with fake excitement and boundless enthusiasm, even for the most mundane of prizes. Not our friend, who, having received "going shopping" as the answer to his "what are you going to spend the $1000 dollars on" replied soberly with " well its only a grand, you can't buy very much with that" Again, priceless !! I swear these are true. Today, the winner said they were going to see their Grandchildren in the UK with the money to which he replied, "crikey, you won't get very far with a Thousand bucks, you'll have to try and win some more tomorrow". Class !

Another Jock always likes to come out of a record with some "interesting" fact about the artist, the producer, the songwriter or somone else connected with the record he's just played but he always seems to lose interest in his links halfway through them. We, it has to be said, have lost interest a long time before that. He starts his link lively enough and with great enthusiasm but rapidly seems to lose heart and trails off, often mid sentence, into some unintelligable mumble and just plays a record or a jingle without ever finishing his point. You've got to hear this guy, I only wish we didn't !

If I can find any radio stations whilst driving in the Moulinex, I'll keep listening on your behalf and will relay the best,erm, worst bits as and when I hear them.... so expect some more very shortly ! In fact I was going to go out to the supermarket this evening in the Moulinex but I don't think I'll bother, there's nothing on the radio and besides, it's all turned to custard out there.

John